The one thing that I hadn’t prepared for was the over-riding sense of early pregnancy worry – I was so consumed with worry about actually getting pregnant that I hadn’t fully grasped that, in worrying terms, this was just the start. I am absolutely petrified about having a miscarriage. I know that this will be a totally normal feeling for any pregnant woman, and that there’s no reason to be particularly concerned that I won’t have a successful pregnancy, but it’s a hard thing to shake. I guess the stakes feel even higher when it’s taken so long to get pregnant – if things don’t work out, it’s not like we’ll just be able to get me pregnant again in a couple of months. That’s why I’m really happy about feeling queasy today: anything that demonstrates the on-going existence of my pregnancy is fabulous, as far as I’m concerned.
I’m trying to stay very calm about it and keep it all in perspective. The brilliant thing at the moment is the interaction I have with a very special group of women on a secret Facebook group – they’ve all been through, or are going through, fertility treatment, and they understand exactly what it’s like. These women have been an absolute godsend in recent months and I don’t know what I would have done without being able to share their stories and realise that we’re not all alone in our battle to have a child. I announced my pregnancy within a day of two other members of the group, so we’re able to swap tales of blood tests, nervousness, and general worry, and everybody who has already been through it is able to step up and help us to stay brave.
As my little sister said in an email earlier this afternoon, the worry about children starts with the beginning of a pregnancy and never really ends – you just change what you worry about, depending on their stage of life. I suppose I should get used to it!
I understand now why most people don’t tell the whole world about their pregancy until they’ve finished the first trimester. In her book Jaquie Brown gave excellent advice about telling people at an early stage: she said to only tell the same people that you’d turn to for support if you had a miscarriage. I think that this is the approach that I’ll take, although it is so tempting to share the news. All I can do is keep crossing my fingers and saying my prayers, and taking care of myself and the wee one on board.